The Response to Your Questions

First, let me say thank you to everyone who responded to last month's message with a question. Second, let me warn you that this is a rather long e-mail in which I answer those questions. I decided to do that because it took me much longer to reply than I had planned, so I wanted to answer every question that I received. There were five of them.

 

Also, let me say that some of the e-mails came with background information to the question, and that was helpful in order to answer the question fully. Others came simply with questions, so I had to make some assumptions in order to answer the question, so I hope I was close. Finally, let me say that this is only my perspective, not the truth, but I hope it is of some value to the people asking the questions, as well as others who might be struggling with the same issue.

 

So, here they are:

 

Question #1: What is too much honesty in personal relationships? How do you know when you should just be kind and keep silent? Do we really need to tell everything we know? Discuss boundaries please.

 

First, let me offer a distinction here: being honest vs. sharing all of your private conversations – these are not the same thing. I don’t believe we need to share all of our private conversations in our personal relationships. Those are ours, and if we blurted out everything that crossed our mind we could create a great deal of suffering for ourselves and others. However, if there is an issue for you in the relationship, or the other person is asking for your honest opinion, then I believe you need to speak what is so for you.

 

Given that, personally, I don’t believe there is too much honesty in personal relationships. In fact, I’d say it’s that honesty with someone that builds trust with them. And, you can be honest and also take care of the person in the process.

 

My experience has been that “being kind” and keeping silent only causes resentment or resignation to develop in me. Thus, it ultimately doesn’t serve the relationship because I’m in the relationship. We often use the excuse of “I’m being kind” because we “don’t want to hurt them or hurt their feelings”. Usually, “I want to be kind” is another way to say “I don’t have the courage to tell this person the truth”. What does that say about the person you’re in relationship with that they can’t handle you speaking what is true for you? Or, what does it say about you that you feel like you need to protect them from the truth?

 

If what you mean is “how do I offer feedback to someone that hasn’t asked for it”, that’s another story. Plain and simple, if you feel like it’s important to the relationship or the issue or conversation at hand, then you ask permission to offer feedback. If they decline, then you don’t say any more. If they accept, you offer your honest take on the situation and allow them to deal with it in their own way.

 

Question #2: I work long hours arriving here at 7:00 or so each day. On a 'good day', I'm out by 5:30. Three days a week I work out on the way home but feel guilty about taking time from my lovely wife of 36 years. She doesn't complain but as I am doing my thing, I always carry this feeling of not being fair. Childish isn't it, but it just adds to the stress of making it.

 

Obviously, you have a standard for how much time is OK to spend away from your wife, and you’re exceeding that standard, which produces your feeling of guilt. Are you clear about what that standard is? Often we judge ourselves from an unexamined standard, or standard that society has, rather than our own clear standard that works for our life. It’s often helpful to take a look at that standard so that we can choose to keep it where it is or change it.

 

If you’re wife doesn’t complain, does that mean she’s OK with it and it’s your issue, or do you think she’s just being silent about her dislike? If she’s OK with it, then it’s up to you to get OK with it by examining your standard and living according to the standard you choose. If she’s being silent about her dislike, then there’s a conversation you can have with her about what her standard is. Either way, I think it’s important for you each to declare your standard, what is OK, and then agree on something that works for both of you.

 

One area you may also want to look at is balance in your life. We all have many domains, or areas, of our life that we have concerns in as adults. If you’re spending this amount of time in the domains of career and body, then perhaps you could say you are neglecting other domains, particularly relationship. Again, what is your standard for “enough time” in each domain? You get to choose for yourself in some domains, and in conjunction with your wife in relationship and other domains.

 

Question #3: How do I develop the discipline to keep my commitment to myself in terms of exercise and diet? What is it about human nature that keeps us from being more successful at many endeavors in this domain even when we admit that creating and maintaining those good habits that will make us feel better?

 

Good question here, as I think many of us have struggled with this issue. I’m not sure it’s about discipline for most of us. I think it’s about your underlying motivation for exercise and diet, and if the motivation is in alignment with your self-worth and taking care of yourself, the discipline will follow.

 

Let me share a recent personal example from my own life. I have lost 18 lbs. on my way to losing 25. I have stayed committed to eating well and exercising as often as I can. What I have noticed is that this is the first time in my life where I have been committed to getting the weight off for the sake of a healthier life long-term, to take care of myself! So, it’s a big shift in my underlying motivation. Before, it was always about looking better, getting into the right size clothes, being able to catch the right woman, and so on. This time, it’s clearly a commitment to me in order to lead a longer, healthy life. And, that commitment is much deeper this time because it is accompanied by the belief that I am worth it – in fact, how dare I not take care of myself this way!

 

What is equally, if not more important, is I now understand why I have always gained weight back – I needed it there in order to protect myself. From what, you say? Well, many things, I think, but ultimately to protect myself from the notion that if I am fully myself in this moment, say and do what is true for me, you somehow won’t accept me. The catch here is that, once I have fully accepted myself for who I am, the opinions of others have very little impact. Thus, there is no reason for me to protect myself from you anymore, and that’s what keeping on the weight meant for me. In fact, several months ago, I realized that I’d grown weary of my weight yo-yoing and was tired of carrying that extra layer of protection around. It no longer serves me and I no longer need it.

 

So, I don’t believe that it’s human nature, per se, in the sense that it’s something built into us that can’t be altered. I believe that it’s a more culturally, widespread belief, as Americans, that somehow we’re not enough, a lack of self-worth. So, not being able to stay committed and maintain our discipline only further proves we’re not enough – the self-fulfilling prophecy!

 

 

Question #4: I find it hard to separate my personal and professional life. My mood is affected everywhere I go and, as someone who wears her heart on her sleeve, I probably come across as “not herself lately.” These days, I dread another task or issue, and I can’t concentrate as well with the nagging thoughts in the back of my mind about personal things. I find it hard to want to get out of bed in the morning and face the day. But I do.

I have a view of where I want and should be in my personal life, and I am not there. My personal life is defining all of me, and I’ve lost my motivation for work. Why does my personal life affect my professional life and motivation to accomplish tasks so much, and how can I become more satisfied and accepting of where I am right now in my personal life in order to be the best I can be at home and at work?

One of the first things I would say to you is that as human beings, there is more to us than just our work and personal lives, the traditional way we define ourselves. I call these the domains of our lives, areas where we have concerns as adults. The domains are: body, play, social, relationships, family, work, education, career, money & finance, world, dignity, situation, spirituality.

 

What you are speaking about is called “collapsing domains”. That occurs when things aren’t going well in one domain and we make a universal judgment about our self that we extend to every domain, something like “Everything in my life is bad”. So, what I hear is that you are collapsing domains. Realize that things are not going well in just one domain, and take a look at what’s going on in the other domains to balance that out.

 

That being said, I’m not exactly sure what you mean by “personal life”, but I’m guessing it has to do with not having a significant other. You state you have a view of where you should be, and you’re not there. This is often something that causes suffering for us – when our real life doesn’t fit the picture of where we think we SHOULD be (called “shoulding” on yourself). In short, I’d say you have to learn to give up the picture and accept the FACTS of where you are right now in your life. Acceptance of the FACTS of our life creates the mood of peace. Easier said than done sometimes, but that’s the path to peace. That may require that you allow yourself to be sad for a while that it doesn’t look the way you thought it would. And acceptance of the facts in this moment doesn’t mean we give up and accept it forever, just for now. It allows us to be peaceful, and from there we can figure out the action we want to take in order to create what we want.

 

What I’m also hearing here is that because your personal life doesn’t currently fit your picture, you’re very negatively judging yourself, such as “There’s something wrong with me”, and you’re combining that with a judgment that “It will always be that way”, which creates a mood of resignation. That’s what I hear you’re struggling with, the mood of resignation, which is when we lose our energy, we don’t see possibilities, and we don’t feel like doing anything. There are essentially two paths out of resignation: 1) share your perspective with others and see if they have a different view. If they do, grab onto theirs and put yours on the side for right now – do what they recommend; 2) Action – action of any kind often pulls us out of resignation, whether that be physical action or conversational action. As hard as it may be, you have to move yourself into action in order to shift this mood. Sometimes the best way to do this is to ask others for help, to join you in taking new action.

 

Finally, we don’t arrive in an emotion or mood by accident; all emotions and moods have some purpose for us. What could be the purpose of this mood for you? To slow down and take stock of your life in order to make some changes? To protect you in some way? To realize that you’re not really interested in, or passionate about, what you’re up to right now and it’s time to make some changes? Explore this and see where it might lead you.

 

 

Question #5: What do you do when someone won't forgive you? How do you move forward?

 

First, do you feel as if you’ve done something that warrants forgiveness? Be clear on that. It sounds as if you do, and you’ve asked for it. If you have asked for forgiveness, and the person is unwilling to forgive you, then the next step for you is to accept that fact. Who knows why people don’t forgive us sometimes? They just don’t or won’t. While it may be unpleasant, the only person you can change is yourself. So, acceptance of what is so, that this person won’t forgive you, is what will allow you to be peaceful.

 

Additionally, know that you have the capacity to forgive yourself for whatever you’ve done. If you’ve done that, that may be all that is within your power. If you’re counting on someone’s forgiveness, or any other action, in order for you to be OK or happy, then you’re setting yourself up for suffering. In essence, you’re turning over your power to that person. I’m not saying it wouldn’t be helpful to have their forgiveness, but I am saying you can’t rely on it for your own peace of mind.

 

The way you move forward is to be in acceptance of what is so in the moment, which brings peace, and then you take action from there. It is likely that the other person’s unwillingness to forgive you is producing resentment for them, and unfortunately they’ll have to deal with the ramifications of holding resentment towards you, which are never pleasant.

 

I welcome your comments or feedback to my answers to these questions.

 

Have a Happy Thanksgiving!